He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
