Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
