I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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