we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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