I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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