I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
How's work?
Spinning.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
