Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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