Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I think I am morally bankrupt
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Randomize
