I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
