Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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