I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
