I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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