everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
