hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
