Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
