I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
its liver damage thursday
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
