If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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