Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
