The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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