Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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