i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
