i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
