My Higher Power is John Stamos
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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