dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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