Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
