The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
