So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
