If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
