Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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