U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
