I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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