My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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