so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
