Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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