Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Randomize
