Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
