So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Holy shit dude........stairs
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
