i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I don't deserve a penis
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
