A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
