the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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