there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
