Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
