Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
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Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
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No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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