i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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