I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
