my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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