Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
