She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
