plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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