just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
