repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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