I think I won the penis lottery.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
