There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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