Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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