i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
whose parrot is this?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
