i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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